Contemplation
by Darkness of life
Summary: Tsukasa's thoughts after she logs out....everything from the world to Mimiru....(This fic was written for all the people that have reviewed ))


Darkness:...well I wanted to do something new since I got my first 100 reviews ^_____^...so here it is...this fic is about Tsukasa's thoughts after she logs out of the world  
  
Shinji: yay! ^_____^  
  
Kowaru:*is still bruised* @___@   
  
Sora: we don't own .hack//SIGN or any of its characters...now read the fic! @__@  
  
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It never made sense to me a beginning...I always "felt" like a boy...but those thoughts could have just been put in my mind...though in the back of my mind I did have a doubt about my gender...but now it doesn't matter since I know the truth  
  
I live with Ryo...most people know him as Bear in that World but I simply know him as Ryo....he's been my father...my friend...my mentor...I could never repay him for his kindness...at first I thought that I was just suppose to be some replacement for his son but I knew that he just cared about me....he's been there through all the troubles that I have had...even the problems in the world...  
  
The world....  
  
The world....the place that brought me so much pain and happyness....if I would have never logged in I wouldn't have met Mimiru, Bear, Subaru, or any of the others....weird how most of the time bad follows good and good follows bad heh....  
  
I often wonder what would have happened to me if I wouldn't have ever been able to log out...would I have died after my body would have just worn out?....my father would have pulled me off of life support a long time before that....father never did care about me after mother died...he isn't my father anymore...he is just a husk of someone that I used to care about....  
  
It's been six months since I logged out....during that time I have gotten back into school....surprisingly Mimiru, Subaru, and A20 go there as well...I never realized that we all lived that close to each other....I was scared one day when they invited me to play the world again...I just told them that I couldn't play...they knew the real reason why but they didn't question me....  
  
I don't truly remember how long I was in the world...to me it is my first real home though Ryo says that I only was in the world for around half a year....I still do not know why I stared to play it...I know that I would never have tried to play it to make friends or to play with other people....I could always be alone in the world...I could be who and whatever I wanted....so much freedom....yet so much pain....  
  
I still don't know what happened to that one monster that tried to attack us....I haven't heard anything of it yet...though I doubt that I ever will....also I've met just about everyone with the exception from Sora....we never did know where he lived....the weird thing is that he hasn't logged into the world since I logged out....I wonder if he could have went comatose....we wouldn't know where to search at all so it is useless....and even if he is stuck in the world he is probably happy there since he can do whatever he wants and not be bothered....  
  
I still remember when I first met Mimiru here in the real world....she was surprised at first that I was a girl but she accepted it...she and I are great friends...though I can't lie to myself...I love Mimiru...not like a friend loves another friend...but how one loves a lover...I could never tell her...she probably doesn't feel the same way at all....I sometimes can catch myself staring at her...her smile...her laugh...the way she talks...her eyes....maybe someday I will find the strength to tell her...at least I hope to...  
  
Before I met Mimiru I had met Subaru...I wasn't surprised that she used a wheelchair since Crim had told me a few days before...I never thought that she used the world to escape reality...and what if she did?...we all have to be selfish at one time or another...  
  
She is easily one of the most kindest people I have met....she and I talked for hours when we met....she told me about her life and how she had met crim...I told her about a few things that had happened to me in the world that no one else knew of....  
  
Crim and Bt....  
  
I have only met those two one time...but they both seem like nice people....both of them seem to be good friends with Ryo....  
  
Father tried to see me a few days after I logged out...he said he wanted me back...how his "little girl had left him"....left him?...he was the one that left me awhile ago....  
  
Even after all these thoughts my mind wonders back to mimiru....how much I wish I could just run up to her and hold her closely to myself...but I'm a girl...she would probably hate me and never talk to me again....I can wait....in the mean time I shall just watch her...talking to her and giving her all the advice that I can...waiting until the time she might be able to accept my feelings...ready for the time when I can show her....  
  
I'm going to log into the world again...I'm not afraid anymore....you can't change fate...if I am meant to get stuck in the world again then it will happen...because I know that I can log off again...the world doesn't have a hold on me anymore....  
  
I've thought about changing my characters class and outfit...but I realize that he is really what I am...he has become a part of me....he is the essence of the world...she is the essence of reality....and both of them mixed make me...the balance of the two....  
  
I still haven't went to mother's grave yet....like my father its just an empty shell...her soul and mind will always be inside of me...and as long as I have at least one memory, she still lives on...  
  
I'm still wondering about what is going to happen in the future....I'm not afraid...all of my friends are going to be with me no matter what...and this gives me the strength to move on forward.....  
  
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Darkness:...well this fic was just suppose to be about Tsukasa's thoughts after she logs out of the world...hope you liked it  
  
Shinji:*is busy "taking care" of kowaru*  
  
Kowaru: ^__^  
  
Sora: review! ^_^...ja! 


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